Fruits of Healing Trauma

Trauma. It has touched, affected, and permeated every corner, crack, and crevice of my life. Even General Conference. But today I tasted healing fruits.

For the last few years I’ve had a really difficult time watching General Conference. Not because of mom problems (like little bedlamites running rampant and noisily throughout the house). It was because of trauma and how it impacted my sensory input.

My threshold for auditory sensory input quickly dropped to maybe 20 minutes – regardless of how pleasant the sound was. Because of that, I haven’t been able to sit through and actually get something out of Conference for about 3 years. It has just been way too overstimulating for my already overactive nervous system.

Also, General Conference has been so difficult because it has been extremely triggering. Being reminded every 6 months of what family life “should be” was just too painful. It was excruciation to hear “The Family: A Proclamation to the World“, D&C 121:34-end, or other related scriptures and documents quoted in Conference talks. It just felt like someone was wrenching my heart with a spork and shredding my mind with a rake. Every. Six. Months. For 10 hours. Over the course of 1 weekend. I’d get flooded with flashbacks and memories of when it wasn’t “what it should be”.

Six months. A lot can happen in 6 months. A lot has happened in 6 months.

Somehow … prayer …? Essential oils…? Really good quality professional care…? Safety…? Something, or a lot of somethings have contributed …

This General Conference I sat through both Saturday sessions. I didn’t feel overstimulated. I didn’t get triggered. I didn’t have a single bad memory try to push its way across the stage of my eyes on endless repeat.

I could finally enjoy my biannual Son-bathing weekend. I just sat there and soaked up my Savior. And it was … I’m speechless. Just speechless. Overwhelmed with gratitude. And if I end up not being able to do one or both Sunday sessions, I will be content to just savor this little fruit of healing trauma.